Yearend Reflections 2019

When I reflect on the year 2019 for our family, these words come to mind: loss, change, pruning, and repentance. Moreover, with that word “repentance” being the connector, these words follow to pair up with them:

loss: grace

change: renewal

pruning: gratitude

repentance: hope

The word “prune” means to trim away dead or overgrown branches or stems, reducing superfluous parts, especially to increase fruitfulness and growth. The removal of the superfluous parts help preserve energy, enhancing a more direct flow of nutrients from the source. In practical terms, it felt like Paul and I were experiencing the removal/testing of things we find security in one by one–family, church, friendships, finances, routines, physical health, mental health and so on. As we navigated through some big shifts, we realized that the biggest “branch” God was removing was our self-reliance. The Lord only wanted to get it out of the way so we can experience more of our sovereign God, a more sure security and firm foundation.

It was a big year for our boys as we celebrated many milestones. We praise God for His faithfulness and grace that enables our boys to keep growing in health and maturity. Here are some highlights and updates:

Soren transferred to Cal State Fullerton and is majoring in Art/Animation. He is thoroughly enjoying the many clubs and new friendships. Through trial and error, he is learning that time management is an important life skill he needs to learn by saying “no” to many fun
things and “yes” to the small decisions he made while prioritizing and goal-setting.

Silas started his first year at Cal State Long Beach where he is planning to double major in English and Psychology. Being an introvert, dorm life was rough at first but he is enjoying it much more now that his roommate has become a good friend and he has found other Smash gamers nearby to hang out with. Dorm life is also giving him a greater appreciation for home.

Seth is a junior at Foothill High and is active as the Social Media Commissioner for ASB. He is learning to cast his anxieties unto God as he is often stressed over AP classes, SATs, and his future in general. It’s been sweet to see him miss and appreciate his former roommate Silas more and share his burdens with him whenever he is home.

Sawyer started off his freshman year with a blast by playing the trumpet in marching band. He is also playing in the youth praise team and seems to love playing and listening to music. He is our gentle giant so comfortable to be with and a good friend to many. He was even asked to be in the quinceanera court twice this year!

As I write, Paul is in Yucatan, Mexico with a vision team from our church. They are exploring ways we can partner with Bethel International Christian Academy (BICA), a dormitory school with a mission to raise Christian leaders for the next generation. As it is often the case when we step out to serve the Lord, we are the ones most blessed through the partnership. We are praying that God will also help our church to mature and grow to step out of our comfort zones and care more in our hearts about the things that the Lord cares about.

Adios – to God be the glory! We look forward to entering this new decade with you all with great anticipation for what the Lord will do in and through us all!

love,

Paul and Kate

The Little Gate to God

In the castle of my soul
Is a postern gate,
Whereat, when I enter,
I am in the presence of God.
In a moment, in the turning of a thought,
I am where God is,
This is a fact…

With God is a great silence.
But that silence is a melody
Sweet as the contentment of love,
Thrilling as a touch of flame…

In this world my days are few
And full of trouble.
I strive and have not;
I seek and find not;
I ask and learn not…

When I enter into God,
All life has meaning.
Without asking, I know;
My desires are even now fulfilled,
My fever is gone.
In the great quiet of God
My troubles are but pebbles on the road,
My joys are like the everlasting hills…

So it is when I step through the gate of prayer
From time into eternity.
When I am in the consciousness of God,
My fellowmen are not far-off and forgotten,
But close and strangely dear.
They shine, as if a light were glowing within them.
Even those who frown on me
And love me not
Seem part of the great scheme of God…

So it is when my soul steps through the postern gate
Into the presence of God.
Big things become small, and small things become great.
The near becomes far, and the future is near,
The lowly and despised are shot through with glory…

God is the substance of all revolutions;
When I am in him, I am in the Kingdom of God
And in the Fatherland of my Soul.

— Walter Rauschenbusch, 1918

This poem moves me every time I read it. It helps me to shift my eyes from looking low to my self, my circumstances, and my worries to looking up to God, His dominion, and to His power and purpose. Prayer and entering His presence can really be like that–passing through a gate into wide open spaces where His great quiet and peace reigns.

“Pushed to the wall, I called to God; from wide open spaces, He answered. God’s now at my side and I’m not afraid; who would dare lay a hand on me?” – Psalm 118:5

Yearend Reflections 2018

When you are thirsty, there is nothing like a cold drink of water. When you are hungry, a warm piece of bread melts in your mouth like chocolate. And when you are feeling tossed and lost at sea, the beam of a lighthouse is the best thing in the world. This year, many times over we felt thirsty, hungry, tossed and lost as so many changes, obstacles, and fears filled so many of our days but it all forced us to lean in harder into the living water, bread of life, and light of the world that is Jesus.

There were many sleepless nights of worry and anxiety as we were ushered into a new season of living with and caring for my aging and ailing parents. We felt ourselves having to grow up and catch up to meet the challenges of settling into new normals. It has been a challenging year but by the grace of God, we can say it has been a good year because God has been so real in meeting us day by day and we have grown in our TRUST in Him.

So this year Christmas feels even merrier too! We appreciate more than ever that our Savior, the Word, became flesh and dwelt among us, and He is Emmanuel til we are safely home. And along with Job, we can say:

“I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me! – Job 19:25-27

Here are some specific ways God has been maturing each of us this year:Paul has been learning to wait and wait and wait. (Here he is waiting for food.) God has been teaching him to pray, walk behind the Holy Spirit, take deep breaths and trust that God is doing things behind the scenes as he waits. It has been difficult for someone like Paul who likes to take action and solve problems but the places where God has him this year has been helping him to listen and pray and just watch for Him to act whether it is in seeking unity in relationships, discerning next steps for our church, dealing with some of his own health issues, and so on. Meanwhile, he is learning to wait with God and enjoy Him as his first thing.

I (Kate) am learning that God truly did make us for community and that we really do need one another. As I am caring for my parents, my church, my women’s group, co-workers, friends, Paul and boys have been holding me up with prayer, with practical help, encouraging words, shoulders to cry on and boxes of donuts too. I am learning to depend on others and especially to cast all my anxieties unto God. I have been growing a little more comfortable in my new identity as a spiritual director too. I am seeing it as a sacred calling to “hold space” for another because as my own spiritual director said to me, “We cannot be our own spiritual directors.” Our souls need to breathe and talk and express and vent and be seen and loved right where we are and we need safe spaces to integrate, catch up, and just be. I’m so thankful for this ministry God is allowing me to receive and give.Soren is doing well in his second year of college at IVC. It’s been good to see him grow more independent and responsible as he is learning to manage his own money, master public transportation while taking steps toward getting his drivers license, and deepen friendships especially in his Circle K club. We saw that he is really growing in his art skills too. At first, we were all shy about his pictures from his “life” drawing class but then we got pretty comfortable critiquing it here and there. We all love what a peaceful and fun loving guy he is to be around.

Silas is in his senior year and in the thick of applying for college. (Here he is at his interview at Chapman.) This year he has really grown in finding his voice and expressing himself. With the encouragement of friends in his Theory of Knowledge class at school, Silas started a blog to share some of his inner thoughts and opinions. He has always been such a quiet guy and so it was a pleasant surprise to us all to learn that it’s because there is a lot going on inside. He is now giving me permission to share the link to his blog here:

https://recoveringpessimistdotblog.wordpress.com/ 

Seth is a sophomore this year and this guy is always on the go as the Digital Media Commissioner for ASB. We see him learning a lot about leadership—that leadership is servanthood which often means being the first one there to set up and the last one to leave after the clean up. He is learning the value of teamwork with lots of different personalities and experiencing how all those contributions can come together for truly great outcomes. He is a hard working guy and we are so glad he is on our team too.

Sawyer is the most laid back 8th grader we know. Most of the time you will find him in front of the computer with headphones on, playing Fortnite or some other online game with friends. It’s been sweet to see him really enjoying his friendships at school. There has been a big increase in his hangouts with boys (and girls) this year. He has also been growing in his guitar and keyboard skills by leaps and bounds and we are looking forward to seeing him play in our church youth praise team soon.

Thank you for reading and keeping up with our family. We pray that 2019 will draw you closer to Christ and in so doing you will find that life is sweet no matter what just because He lives!

Much love,

Paul & Kate and the boys

Lead Me to the Rock

That was supposed to be me yesterday, visiting LACMA with Soren for his Art History class. But I am glad they got some enjoyable father and son time in together.

I couldn’t let go of my “to do” list for the day but it is symbolic of how The Summer of 2018 is going down for me. It was a season of sitting out and waiting, moving and shifting, speaking up and being silent, and hoping and trusting. I felt stretched in all my senses but I survived by the grace of God! Hallelujah!

We not only survived with our family relationships in tact but with more affection and appreciation for one another. I am especially thankful for the deeper unity Paul and I have this side of summer. We really had to plow through some major conflicts to get here. We learned to listen and respect each other’s points of view even if we don’t agree; we learned to validate feelings without taking things personally; we learned to ask permission, share our wants, and wait for the other person to get on the same page emotionally; we learned to fight through misunderstandings, be more vulnerable, and build deeper trust. You too can experience this kind of marriage building–just let your parents move in with you! And then decide abruptly to move out of your home of 18 years to accommodate and care for them as you quickly realize how much they are in need of your help.

Many things came at me suddenly and I am such a creature of habit, an enneagram 5 who doesn’t cope well with intrusion, so it took a lot of energy for me to find my footing. It was someone else began writing in different chapters which led to very different ending for my life story.

Nothing comes as a surprise to the Lord though and He knew I would need to stay grounded in Him, not to grin and bear it or numb my way through but to be vigilant and fight, leaning on Him. So God grounded me in the Psalms. I had to fill in teaching the High School Youth for the summer and God used it draw me closer to Him too. I learned to Lament and Praise, Praise and Lament honestly before the Lord and look to Him as my hope, my joy, and my salvation. (The print below is from The Bible Project.)

 

So I think it is very fitting that although I didn’t get to go to the museum and see the rock (“Elevated Mass,” that many critics said was disappointing in real life anyway especially because it is held up by beams), I was still invited to The Rock in yesterday’s QT passage, Psalm 61:

Lead me to the rock,

that is higher than I,

for you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the enemy. (v.3)

Thank you, Lord, for being my rock this summer. Thank you for teaching me to keep my eyes on You and showing me that change can be good, especially as it pushes me to find my true security in You. You are a good Father who has even better plans than I could ever dream or imagine for myself when I can let go of my plans.

So will I ever sing praises to your name,

as I perform my vows day after day. (v.8)

 

 

Praying Psalm 46

I woke up this morning feeling anxious about the challenges I am facing today–heart heavy, pit in stomach, dry mouth needing big breaths. It’s the kind of day that makes me want to hide under the covers til it goes away. My aging parents have recently sold their house and I have been helping them close out this chapter of their lives. Whittling down all their possessions and attachments and spending extended time with them stirs up so many memories, longings, and regrets. It is also an undeniable reminder that we are actually entering the last chapter of their lives.

God gave me Psalm 46 to hang onto throughout the day and I am praying it from head to heart this morning.

¹God is our refuge and strength,
    a very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam,
    though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

It is good to remember that God is my refuge and strength especially when trouble comes my way and circumstances around me seem out of my depth, simply impossible on my own. I can’t hide under the covers but I can hide under Him as my refuge. I can pray my fears to Him and lean on His strength. I am reminded that He is present, a very “present” help. He does not walk the other way and He is in the thick of it with me. I don’t have to face those waves of memories, longings, and regrets alone but with the hope of redemption, some here on earth that He longs to show me and always the ultimate one when He makes all things new.

⁴There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
    God will help her when morning dawns.
⁶ The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
    he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Yes, God is with me, His Spirit flows in me like a river and He has made a home in my heart. Even if things don’t seem to be going well, I can withstand the blows, the waiting, the unknown, and stay grounded in Him and declare, I shall not be moved. Who is the Lord? He is the God of hosts, of all powers and angels and the earth can melt at His word. All those things that I depend on for my security are but an illusion.

He is also the God of Jacob, the swindler, the deceiver, one who wrestled with God and was made stronger and more faithful because of his struggles. He is the Jacob have I loved. So I can go to God with all of me. He welcomes my fears and weaknesses, my confusion, anger, and failures, because He is merciful and kind and He keeps His promises. He wants me to release my self-reliance and the deception I keep wanting to hang onto to feel safe.

⁸Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the chariots with fire.

Behold, remember His works. He who made wars to cease and brought peace can surely handle the crisis and work all things for my good. Behold and remember that our God is a God who draws nearer to the troubled and broken-hearted. I’ve experienced this before. He carried me in even darker times. He was with me when I received that phone call letting me know that my brother had a terrible accident and may not make it. He was with me on the airplane getting to the hospital, He was with me as I planned the funeral and He walked beside me through the deep waters and dark valleys of grief, and He has been with me since as I cared for my parents as the only living sibling in the aftermath. Surely, He will help me leap over today’s hurdles and be my shield.

¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
¹¹ The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Be still and know that I am God. When I am still, He can calm my anxieties and even my very breaths become prayers. I sense my knowing settling into my heart and into my gut and body too, loosening the knots in my stomach and lifting the burdens off my shoulders. I feel the grip of self-obsession releasing to the Lord and He helps me to not make today all about me. The stillness is found inward as these verses were meant for the battleground and not high towers away from it all (or from flower fields or a clean house or a beach house or a pretty library). They are reminders to look up in the midst of the chaos and see the Lord who has conquered the grave, exalted.

Prayer is also listening and in the stillness I am asking for the Lord’s comfort and encouragement for me today. In Scripture, God often responds to His people when they cry out to Him in these ways:

Do not fear.

Trust me.

Get up and go.

Let me use you.

Surrender.

Am I enough?

Join me.

Taste and see.

Be strong and Courageous.

Today, I hear Him saying, “Be strong and courageous.” Those giants are not so big and I am bigger. I feel courage to face the day confident that He is truly with me, thankful that He is already doing a good work in me, freeing me from fears and worries but moreover from my self-sufficiency and idols of security.

Truly, GOD is my refuge and strength.

 

A New Ride

So what’s with the new blog site name? I know. It’s a big change. I have been blessedwithsons for so long. It’s long overdue though. It’s like the tricycle in our backyard that I can’t seem to let go of. It might get used when little kids visit our house but mostly it’s just a prop reminding us that those days are long gone.

I mean I will always be blessed with sons but as for the blog, it’s been collecting dust and I have been trying to figure out what to do with it for a while now. I thought about starting completely over but I don’t feel worthy of that yet (or ever) and I can’t seem to abandon it all together since I still want a place to hang out and mingle so I just cleaned it up and upgraded it a bit. (Check out the new “About” page.)

I am hanging on to the domain name as blessedwithsons but I am changing the title page to “Inclining the Heart” to write more about learning God’s truth not just as head knowledge but as rubber meets road, skin and guts, orthopraxis, experienced life application. If I can count on one thing for sure, it is that God is faithful and He will keep teaching me new mercies from His Word and I will never tire of giving Him glory. And so I begin again and hope to write a little more regularly about the things that God is teaching me in this season of life.

Thank you for dropping by once in a while and taking the time to take an interest in what I have to say. It has meant more to me than I can say. God has blessed me with so much and my desire is just to be a blessing.

I feel like I am learning to ride a bike now.  By the way, we are doing a garage sale this weekend. Anyone need a tricycle?

 

Yearend Reflections 2017

So many blessings from 2017. Too many to count that I felt overwhelmed even thinking about writing them down but I just couldn’t let this year come to a close without giving thanksgiving to God for some of His gifts:

1. Worship – I have been learning about worship along with my home group at CrossWay through a study called “Gravity and Gladness” by John Piper. It has been renewing my mind to see worship as NOT just something we do, in a specific place, with specific people but to define it as a state of being, a pattern in daily life, expressed from the heart. Piper defines the heart of worship as the experience of being satisfied with God and then magnifying Him in our hearts. Satisfaction leads to thirst, praise, joy, magnifying God and making Him central in our lives. As we seek Him and as God graciously reveals more of Himself to us, we see the gravity of this Holy God and we are filled with much gladness as we experience the freedom and joy He gives us in Christ. So many things tug at our hearts every day but our souls were made to find their home, resting place, peace, in our Creator and it is in worship that we find who God made us to be and discover all that our hearts hunger, thirst, and long for.
2. Prayer – This year, I discovered the world of podcasts and on line learning. Wow! It has been like a candy store for this book nerd who loves to learn and learn and learn. My favorite book of this year was mailed to me from a friend in Illinois–“Prayer” by Tim Keller in which he writes, “Prayer is the way to experience a powerful confidence that God is handling our lives well, that our bad things will turn out for good, our good things cannot be taken from us, and the best things are yet to come.” But what has stood out is a thirst for silence and prayerful presence in the Lord as I sought to actually pray rather than just read about it. I learned to pray alone, with a friend, in small groups, in large groups, in person and on line. I learned to pray all types of prayers – in silence, with others’ words, using Scripture, supplication, laments, conversing, asking. When I sit and give pause, I am so awed and so grateful realizing what an amazing, amazing thing it is that we can commune with the mighty God of the universe! As I am praying more, my thirst for God is growing and I find myself praying less for His gifts but for Him, just Him, as He truly is the One who satisfies.
3. Mercy – It has become a tradition in my women’s group at our final meeting of the year to share an attribute of God we feel most thankful for in the year. “Merciful” was my word for 2017. My spiritual direction was to “be a doer of the word,” seeking to engage and take more action and stay in things instead of detaching or giving up, persevering and as I sought to do so and failed many times, I became much more aware of my sinful tendencies and also so much more aware of God’s mercy toward me. Not that I sinned less before but I easily minimized and dismissed my sins before but this year, I confessed them more, just admitted them without excuse to God and to people, tried to be less defensive, and just present my weaknesses before the Lord and in turn, I have experienced and felt so much more of His mercy for me. I have been realizing that this is what God is ultimately trying to heal me from–my sins, my self-righteousness, my blindness, my pride. Yes, I have suffered loss, disappointments in life, encountered injustices, felt left out, misunderstood, taken for granted, or just unacceptable and hurt by people but it is my various sins of self-protection that I need the deepest healing for and God is so kind to show me, cleanse me, and free me more and more.
4. Character – In Romans 5:4, it says that suffering produces perseverance, then perseverance, character and then hope. In one of my on line classes, I learned a new definition for the word “character” — it is a person’s ability to face the demands of reality. When we persevere through the inevitable suffering and reality of life that comes our way without trying to deny, blame, escape or avoid but face it with faith and with God’s help, then we are able to work through it and it develops our character and we find that we are more hopeful people facing unknown futures, knowing that we can do all things through Christ. The reality of suffering in our world has hit even more closer to home than ever before in 2017 with the fires, shootings, and illnesses and death of loved ones. I am all the more thankful that this world is not our home and no matter what happens, we have a hope that can not ever be taken from us in Christ.

So these were some of the nuggets of wisdom God has been teaching me this year. And now here are some tangible memorable moments:

Paul and I celebrated 20 years of marriage this year and soon our church will be celebrating 10 years. Paul lost over 25 pounds and has been getting healthier in many ways. I have not lost much weight but I am facing the reality of aging by building my character by running. I managed to run 3 half marathons this year with the help of good friends and World Vision.

Soren graduated high school and started college this year! Wow it was a special moment after all those years of not only school but many hours of therapy and social groups for him. He has recently started his very first job at the college bookstore and is learning to be more independent. Soren was baptized this year and it was encouraging to hear that it was his namesake’s, Soren Kierkegaard’s writings that inspired him to go deeper in his faith and to desire and experience God in more personal ways, putting God above other pleasures in his life.

Silas is persevering through junior year full of many AP classes. When he isn’t buried in his studies, he is hanging out with his friends playing Smash brothers or trying out different kinds of foods like ramen, wings, or korean bbq with them. He seems quiet and reserved but he can be very talkative when he gets on a roll and has many opinions of all types of issues and current events. (Silas was baptized in 2013.)

Seth started high school and is thoroughly enjoying a very active social life of football games, movies, malls, and good eats too. He is very anxious to grow up fast and has much enthusiasm for life. He is keeping Paul and me on my toes as he is turning out to be the most typical teenager of all my boys dealing with all the various peer pressures to fit in. We are so thankful for his baptism and commitment to Christ in the midst of it all. Seth confessed in his testimony, “I know I will always, to some degree, care what other people think of me, and I can’t change that, but I can remember that God loves me even when they don’t, or even when I don’t, and that encourages me the most. I know I can always turn to God for true satisfaction, confidence, and protection and peace in times of trouble.”

Sawyer is the last one left in middle school but he has outgrown all of his brothers this year. He is the tallest already and he is only 12 years old so he will probably keep growing. He wears the biggest clothes and the biggest shoes too. He is taller and stronger than me too of course but he still remains the huggable and gentle baby of the family who likes to watch movies again and again with me. He is easy going and has a silly and fun sense of humor. I was so touched by his testimony too where he shared, “Today, I try to let God lead my everyday life and He has helped me feel less stressful during school as I felt Him telling me to persevere. I am trying to become more like Jesus and I began to feel much happier with God. In my walk with Jesus, I began to notice that when I’m going through stressful times I grow closer to God and when life is easier I grow farther from him. This is something I need to work on with God. Jesus now is my friend and I can go to him to lead me through life.”

Thank you for reading and keeping up with our family. We love you and pray for many blessings in 2018 for you and your family!

love,

Kate with the boys

 

(photo credit and thanks again to: http://www.johnnykimphotography.com/ )

One Divine Day

I’ve been meaning to go on a personal retreat since the boys got out of school but just couldn’t let go. Somehow everything came together this week and I was able to go. Wish it was even one day longer but one full day and a half with Jesus by my side has done wonders for my soul.

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
And what a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged
Take it to the Lord in prayer

Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness
Take it to the Lord in prayer

I feel like I was able to lay down some of the restlessness, toxic thoughts, and burdens to the Lord — this took a full day and then I was able to receive what the Lord wanted to speak to me. It is in line with CrossWay’s QT passage assigned for today–what do you know?

Psalm 1:  Follow Me

1 Blessed is the man
    who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
    nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
4 The wicked are not so,
    but are like chaff that the wind drives away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
    nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
6 for the Lord knows the way of the righteous,
    but the way of the wicked will perish.

Main Points

1. Blessed – the blessings of God are not earthly, found in the counsel of the world savvy people who do not regard God nor His ways. The one who is blessed is full of faith, trusting, and hoping in the Word of God and is guided by it, regarding it higher than all other counsel. She walks, stands, and sits in the Word, not the World.

2. The prosperity God desires for us is a heart that delights in the law of the Lord day and night (always) and therefore is like a firmly planted tree that bears fruit in its season and does not wither. Fruitfulness in the ways of God is a soul that is growing in character bearing the fruits of the Spirit, growing in godliness, becoming like Jesus, and a life that is living in and for the kingdom of God.

3. The Lord knows the way of the righteous… He knows me. He knows me the way it says in Psalm 139. He is intimately acquainted with all of my ways. I can trust the Lord with my past, present, and future life. I can rest assured that no matter what, I will stand before God’s judgement with Jesus by my side, together with all my brothers and sisters, and I will be welcomed home, into eternal bliss and joy, reunited with loved ones, while the wicked perish.

Application

One thing I realized during my time away is that I often live as though everything depends on me. And then when I step out of my life, letting go, I realize that life can go on without me and I feel so insignificant. Both are not the reality in which I live and both are very self-absorbed ways of thinking and being. I need people, people need me and we all need the Lord. He holds all things together and He has chosen to use us and love through us so we need each other too.

I am reentering my life with a deeper desire to be more dependent on the Lord, meditating on the Word day and night, and a plan to be much more prayerful as He knows me better than I know myself and I need Him. I live dependent on so many distractions to get me through the day – this is the way of the wicked–walking, sitting, standing, scoffing — much of it through my phone and social media. It was good to disconnect fully for a day.

The Lord is inviting me to live more regularly like this, not only when I retreat, in daily rhythms of meditating on His Word and prayer, especially in the morning and at night. He wants me to live walking with Him, sitting in His love, and secure in His friendship, planted by streams of living water.

 

 

intercession

“Father, forgive them” He cried

as He was crushed for our sins

stripped, ripped, and pierced in our place

He hung judged by the world

said nothing to defend

accused, maligned, and blamed for perfect love

He took on our disgrace

that we could put on grace

and not suffer the worst anguish of all

bearing the full weight of our sins

eternal separation from the Father

death, darkness, and anguish of soul

He still intercedes for us today

forgiveness for guilt

love for shame

joy for sorrow

hope for despair

trading life for death

until we join Him forever in paradise

10 Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;

    he has put him to grief;

when his soul makes an offering for guilt,

    he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;

the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

11 Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;

by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,

    make many to be accounted righteous,

    and he shall bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,

    and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,

because he poured out his soul to death

    and was numbered with the transgressors;

yet he bore the sin of many,

    and makes intercession for the transgressors.

- Isaiah 53:10-12

Ready, Go!

Actually this is more what my life looks like on the inside:

Ready, set, set, set… Ready, set, set, set… Ready… maybe some day.

I used to think that this habit of mine, this tendency to want to “be fully ready” before I try anything new or take risks is something I struggle with because of my upbringing or fear of failure or lack of resources. It could be a combination of those things and more but when I discovered the enneagram (any-a-gram), it really shed light into my inner workings and helped me to see what lies below the surface of those patterns and to find a way out. It was like looking at a mirror and seeing my insides, my heart and soul, reflected back to me.

The enneagram is more than a personality typing but an ancient system developed by Egyptian Desert Fathers and refined by monks over centuries and brought over to the west by Jesuit priests. As they gave spiritual counsel to countless seekers who came out to confess their struggles and sins, these spiritual guides saw patterns emerge that correlated with the seven deadly sins in Scripture and categorized man into 9 types. It is becoming an increasingly popular tool today used by therapists, spiritual directors, life coaches, and many others who enjoy trying to understand why people are the way they are. There is a ton of information on line and more and more books are being written about them. You can take free tests to start discovering what type you are. There is even an app for it with neat visuals for each type.

So, I am a 5, also known as “the observer” or “the investigator”:

 

Fives like to gather information and so I enjoy books and living in the mental realm. I don’t trust feelings as much and live with this gut level sense that there “just isn’t enough” and so my tendency is to analyze too much before taking action. Here is how one website put it that resonated deeply with me:

Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world.

Since I attended a workshop lead by Jan Johnson on the enneagram a couple of years ago, I have also shared my excitement and joy many times over with family members, friends, co-workers, church members and even strangers. I’ve done mini workshops for my women’s groups and even used it as a way to mediate some conflicts among friends. It is a tool that has been so practical and effective not only in helping us understand ourselves but also giving us insights into others, deepening compassion and diffusing misunderstandings.

One very practical insight for this 5 has been that “knowledge without action is only partial knowledge” and so I am learning to take more action in my life. I am learning to share my passion and the knowledge I’ve gained so far from reading many books and attending seminars in spiritual formation, soul care, and spiritual direction and sharing them more and putting them into action. I am about to launch another soulcare group and I am planning to blog more on such topics. I am putting myself out there so that I can learn more from experience and not just from books. I am learning to tell myself, “I am sure someone could say things better but here’s goes anyway.”

Ready, Go!

And because I will never really be fully ready and there will always be more to learn and besides, I can always edit.

If you are intrigued by what you have heard about the enneagram and would like to learn more, our church is hosting a fun one day workshop lead by Unhurried Living where you will get to learn all about it. There are a lot of complex aspects of the enneagram starting with the diagram with subtypes and wings and arrows that can be better explained in person. You can sign up here:

http://unhurriedliving.com/event/enneagram-101-workshop/